I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. … With that definition in mind, let’s think about love. Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow—that’s vulnerability. Love is uncertain. It’s incredibly risky. And loving someone leaves us emotionally exposed.“Daring Greatly” by Brené Brown
I hate uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. So naturally, I have no control over most of those.
Unfortunately, life continues to be a roller coaster. I felt like last week I was back trending towards a high, but then this week I started coming crashing down again.
I mean, even this week, there were some pretty big highlights. I found a new place, the transit strike ended, I got to play badminton and volleyball, etc.
But at the same time, there were a lot of lows. We found some pretty big flaws with the place, so after all the work, stress, and arguments around researching it, we decided to find another place. There are some relationships at work that I’ve been struggling to navigate for a while, and although I usually start out navigating those conversations well, eventually it wears me down. And I made a mistake opening my transit app after badminton, and I ended up having to wait an hour for the bus.
And I mean, none of things are particularly bad. But I’ve been really struggling the past year and a bit. And it’s been showing in my health. And it’s amazing how much of a difference that seems to make when it comes to resiliency.
In any case, I’m just really looking forward to things settling down. I really need some stability and some time to focus on my health.
So, big unknowns remaining for now include living arrangements and work. Some certainty in the near future includes short weeks, scheduled vacation, and then a renewal of my vacation days and mental health fund (and other health benefits) from work. And hopefully I discover more certainty soon.
I started writing this post last night when I was waiting for the bus. (I rewrote it today, and ended up taking it in a completely different direction.) I didn’t get very far. When I found this quote, I realized how bad I’ve been doing recently. Usually when I read this quote, I feel sad and I feel scared. This time when I read this quote, I just thought that I didn’t want any of that–love isn’t worth it.